Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
