My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Randomize
