Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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