oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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