Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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