I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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