I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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