her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
