Who wears a wallet chain?!
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
