Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
