..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
