Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
