Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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