worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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