is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
