I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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