Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
