My hand turned me down
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
