he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize