you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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