Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
