i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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