Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
