your room smells of hookers.
And success
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
