So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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