what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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