I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
