you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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