Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
