I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
