I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
