Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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