I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
