People in love make me want to vomit
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
