if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
