She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize