the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
