I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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