You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
