Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
