3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
a search helicopter?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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