I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
