I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize