i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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