my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
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