I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
