you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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