Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
