i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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