Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
