please come you make the beer taste better
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
