My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
