if you like me you must not know who I am
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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