so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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