smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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